...The first step in making love is for both people to feel sexually and emotionally attracted to each other. This may seem completely obvious, but it’s amazing how many people deny their lack of sexual attraction because they want the comfort, security, and companionship of a relationship.

According to Stephen Wolinsky, "If you put sexual attraction on a scale of one to ten, where ten equals ‘you can’t keep you hands off each other,’ five equals ‘you can take it or leave it,’ and one equals ‘repulsed,’ to support a vibrant relationship it should be at least a seven, preferably an eight, nine, or ten. With work, you might raise the attraction one notch, but because there is so much biochemistry involved in sexual attraction, it’s hard to do much more than that. So if a sexual attraction doesn’t evolve, remember, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just the what is of your pairing, and you might make better friends than lovers.

Sexual attraction doesn’t have to be instantaneous on first meeting, but it must eventually flower because it provides basic glue for a successful conjugal union. If we’re not sexually alive to our beloved, it often leads to a subdued relationship, loneliness, affairs, or lots of fantasies.

No matter how old or young, gorgeous or plain, experienced or inexperienced you are, initiating sex with a new partner is charting new ground. Do I take her hand? Let my glances linger? When do we first kiss? How do we kiss? What do we say? There’s the freshness and newness of this body, these kisses, this touch, this smell. Sexual union can be an exquisite dance of attuning to one another, exchanging signals, and revealing oneself.

Sexual intimacy requires that we transcend sex-role stereotypes and embrace all human emotions. When we both become giving and receptive, wild and tender, playful and still, there are more variations to the dance. We meet each other in the richness of our humanness, not as caricatures of men and women. At a spiritual level, there is no male and female, rather, there are two people flowing from essence, embracing through their physical bodies.

The power of Love came into me

And I became fierce like a lion,

then tender like the evening star.

-Rumi, from Like This

Spiritual and cultural attitudes toward sexuality are very confusing. At one extreme, celibacy is often taught as the path to God. Yet celibacy, if it is externally imposed, is just another attachment, and while it can be part of one’s spiritual path, it can also deny a powerful biological and emotional form of connection.

The thing called passion has to be understood and not suppressed or sublimated.... To love is to be in direct communion...how can you love and understand passion if you have taken a vow against it? A vow is a form of resistance, and what you resist ultimately conquers you.

-Krishnamurti, The Book of Life

There is no reason that anything so potent, natural, and human as sexual love be placed outside the circle of spirituality. And there is no reason that celibacy should ever be seen as a "higher" spiritual state than two people with a heartfelt connection making love to each other as the Beloved.

This is not to say all sexual contact is in harmony with spirituality. Unfortunately, many people become obsessed with sex, using it in a desperate attempt to create a bond they are unable to feel emotionally. They confuse sex with love, power, and control. It becomes a source of alienation and takes us further from intimacy. The spiritual path is one of balance and being at peace with all of who we are, which certainly includes our sexuality...

At a spiritual level, making love both helps express and create a loving bond. It’s an experience of the shared heart that flourished alongside honesty, love, and commitment. It flows from knowing each other well and desiring to dissolve into the heart and body of your beloved. It can’t be learned through a how-to because it uniquely reflects all of who you are.